So you might already know that I have struggled with faith - my biggest problem being the whole "Let go, and let God" thing. Giving up control is really, really hard for me. I've been known to dig in my heels just because I can't stand to let things be anyone else's way but mine. (You can imagine what a pain this is for DH.)
The other main issue is wrapping my head around unconditional love. That outrageous concept of God's grace as a matter of fact. I mean, whoa. I have made some major mistakes in my lifetime. Really foolish, selfish, sometimes hurtful, and once even fatal. I rejected Him over and over. Deserving grace? Me?
On Mother's Day, my daughter sang in the Cherub Choir at the beginning of service. She was adorable, and looked so little, but sang in her very best "big-girl" voice, it fair to broke my heart. What on this earth had I done to deserve that incredible little person in my life?
After the young ones filed out of the narthex, ushered into their respective Sunday school classes by Miss Sue, the call for the morning's first hymn seemed appropriate, "Jesus Loves Me". My reaction to the song was so completely not. I started crying! I mean seriously sobbing, hiccups and mascara streaks everywhere. DH looked amused, (I believe he thought I was crying over Liv's perfomance) but I was appalled. I don't do that!
I must have heard that song hundreds of times before, and sang it right here in my living room with my Bug, but never a hint of such of violent emotion. For the first time, I realized that the song was about me. Jesus loves me. Me, that foolish, sometimes selfish, always uncertain me. It shredded me, that realization.
I barely made it through the rest of the service. I was so preoccupied during the brunch DH treated me to afterward that I can't remember a single word said by my loved ones. (Though I know what I ordered, I always get the Greek Omelet - it's my favorite.)
Still fragile, that feeling of love and acceptance, my heart is now coming to know it, has even put forward the hand of friendship, as if to say, "We could do well together." Grace - what an amazing thing.